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    Riddles, Puzzles, Jokes, and Clever Sayings

   What thing is it, the less there is of it the more you fear it? 

   What is it that gets longer when it is cut at either end? 

   You are an ill-tempered troll who glares at me with one red eye holding 
me prisoner until the friendly green-eyed troll releases me from your powers 
and allows me to go on my way. 

   The man that made it didn't want it. The man that bought it didn't need 
it. The man that used it didn't know it. 

   Older than Adam, if Adam were still alive. Just four weeks old, and never 
shall be five. 

   Sir, I have a rhyme excelling 
   In hidden clues and magic spelling. 
   Wranglers perhaps deploring, 
   For me its nonsense isn't boring. 
     (Hint: count the letters in each word.) 

   He arrives at the commuter station one hour early and starts walking 
home. His wife picks him up on her way to the station and they get home 20 
minutes early. 
   How long did he walk? 

   Why would a barber in Geneva rather cut the hair of two Frenchmen than of 
one German? 

   Here are two dozen trivia trifles: 
   1. Name the 7 dwarves 
   2. Who said, "God bless us, every one!" 
   3. Robert Frost was a swinger of ___________ 
   4. Captain of the Pequod 
   5. Mother of exiles 
   6. The fog comes in on little ______ feet 
   7. Clark Kent 
   8. What did the Walrus and the Carpenter eat? 
   9. Goneril, Regan and Cordelia 
   10. How many lamps shone from the Old North Church? 
   11. for auld lang _______ 
   12. Lamont Cranston 
   13. Who said, "Frankly, Scarlett, I don't give a damn!" 
   14. Glumdalclitch 
   15. Who went with the Lion, the Tin Man and the Straw Man? 
   16. Who stopped the motor of the world? 
   17. Frodo's uncle 
   18. The woods are lovely, dark and ________ 
   19. Who went to sea in a beautiful pea-green boat? 
   20. Yorick 
   21. The Great Stromboli 
   22. How much wool did the black sheep have? 
   23. Slithey _______ 
   24. Who went off "to strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield" 

   The Thematic Apperception Test is a psychological test that consists of a 
series of ambiguous pictures. Subjects are supposed to tell what they think 
is happening in the pictures. Since no clear story is implied by the 
pictures, the subjects supply the stories. Supposedly, the stories tell much 
more about the storytellers than about the pictures. The tester uses the 
stories to make an assessment of the testee's personality. 
   The TAT and the Rorschach (ink blot) test are two of a kind. The 
assumptions behind these testing procedures irk me. Especially the tester's 
assumption that MY imagination (manifested by my description) would be 
contained within HIS intellectual frame-of-reference. These tests are a 
projection of the examiner's simple-mindedness rather than of the subject's 
actual nature. 
   So I sat down one day and conceived a group of picture-captions that are 
guaranteed to be incomprehensible to a psychologist (or just about anyone 
else, either). 
   It is easy to run a "comprehensibility" test on these items: just show 
the list to somebody and see if he chuckles. If he does, then you know that 
he understands some item, because each item is designed to be humorous--but 
only to someone who understands what it means. 
   1. It's from Arecibo--they've received a message! It translates, "Sorry, 
we're not interested." 
   2. He has just learned that his mitochondria have gone on strike for 
lower entropy. 
   3. I hear the guys in Silicon Valley have managed to put Cray-1 on a 
   4. We've just got to try harder--a 16 megabar vacuum isn't good enough! 
   5. The boys at CERN have isolated a quark--the damn thing really is a 
   6. Sorry Jenkins, but the management has decided to turn off your Krebs 
   7. The Russians have just made another breakthrough--a 60 microvolt 
   8. Waitress, would you please rephlogisticate this steak for me? 
   9. They're moving a bit slower than we expected, but the tachyons are 
coming through just fine now. 
   10. Ah, I'm glad to hear they're finally putting out a one-volume edition 
of Beilstein. 

   Three men checked into a hotel and paid the desk clerk $30 for a room, 
splitting it among themselves, $10 each. After they went up to their room, 
the clerk discovered he had overcharged them. So he sent up the bellboy with 
five dollars. The dishonest bellboy gave each man $1 and put the other $2 
into his own pocket. 
   Now then, each man has paid $9 and this sums to $27. The bellboy kept $2, 
making a total of $29. Thirty minus 29 equals $1. What happened to that 
other dollar? 

   On the twelfth day of Christmas 
   My true love gave to me.... 
   Twelve flippy hippies 
   Eleven leggy ladies 
   Ten buried bodkins 
   Nine snuggled sweeties 
   Eight wrinkled beagles 
   Seven awful waffles 
   Six tiny twinkles 
   Five Joooooolly Chummmmmms 
   Four pollywogs 
   Three munchkins 
   Two turtle hugs 
   And an outrage in a pear tree! 

   (You ever been hugged by a turtle?)

   Several years ago it occurred to me to ask "How much stuff did that guy 
get altogether?" 
   A simple process of iteration enabled me to sum up the total for 12 days, 
but I realized that if there were more than 12 days the process would get 
impossibly cumbersome. So I looked for a general formula into which I could 
put the number of days and out of which would pop the grand total of gifts 
for that number of days. 
   There is a simple formula. Can you derive it? 

   If one and a half chickens can lay one and a half eggs in one and a half 
days, how many eggs can nine chickens lay in nine days? 
   I'll give you a little hint: the answer is NOT 81. No, it ain't!! 

                           EQUATION ANALYSIS TEST 
            (For example:  7 = D. in a W.     7 = Days in a Week)

        1. 50 = S. in the U.               22. 11 = P. on a F. T. 
        2. 7 = W. of the A. W.             23. 1000 = W. that a P. is W. 
        3. 1001 = A. N.                    24. 29 = D. in F. in a L. Y. 
        4. 12 = S. of the Z.               25. 64 = S. on a C. B. 
        5. 54 = C. in a D. (with J.s)      26. 40 = D. and N. of the G. F. 
        6. 9 = P. in the S. S.             27. 14 = N. in a F. 
        7. 88 = P. K.                      28. X = A. D. on the H. of a P. 
        8. 13 = S. on the A. F.            29. 6 = P. on the S. of D. 
        9. 3 = S. and Y. O.                30. 4 + 20 = B. B. in a P. 
        10. 18 = H. on a G. C.             31. 3 = M. in a T. (R. a D.D.) 
        11. 32 = D. F. at which W. F.      32. 7 = L. B. 
        12. 90 = D. in a R. A.             33. 16 = M. on a D. M. C. 
        13. 200 = D. for P. G. in M.       34. 5 = C. in a N. 
        14. 8 = S. on a S. S.              35. 16 = T. and W. Y. G. 
        15. 3 = B. M. (S. H. T. R.)        36. 21 = D. on a D. 
        16. 4 = Q. in a G.                 37. 9 = I. in a B. G. 
        17. 24 = H. in a D.                38. 6 = F. on a C. 
        18. 1 = W. on a U.                 39. 10K = S. I at a G. 
        19. 5 = D. in a Z. C.              40. 76 = T. L. the B. P. 
        20. 57 = H. V.                     41. 2 = L. in the O. N. C. 
        21. 3 = B. F. (B. B. B. S.)        42. 3 = W. M. bearing G. 

                            The Monty Hall problem 
   Suppose you're on a TV quiz show. You are shown three doors, told that 
behind one is a Ferrari and behind each of the other two is a goat. You 
choose a door and then the show director, who knows what is behind each 
door, opens one of the other two doors and shows you a goat. Now you are 
allowed to decide whether to stick with your original choice or change your 
mind and pick the other closed door. What should you do? 

   The world's funniest joke was unveiled by scientists on October 3, 2002, 
at the end of the largest study of humour ever undertaken. For the past year 
people around the world have been invited to judge jokes on an Internet site 
and to contribute quips of their own. The LaughLab experiment, conducted by 
psychologist Dr Richard Wiseman from the University of Hertfordshire, 
attracted more than 40,000 jokes and almost two million ratings. The results 
suggest that people from different parts of the world have fundamentally 
different senses of humour. Scans conducted on people being told jokes also 
identified the brain's laughter centre - a region near the back of the 
frontal lobes. 
   The joke which received the highest global ratings was submitted by 31-
year-old psychiatrist Gurpal Gosall, from Manchester. 
   This is it: Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. 
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips 
out his cellphone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is 
dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, 
let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back 
on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?" 
   Dr Wiseman said the joke was interesting because it worked across many 
different countries and appealed to men and women and young and old alike.  
Many of the jokes submitted received higher ratings from certain groups of 
people, but this one had real universal appeal. 
   A couple of the runners-up: 
   Texan: "Where are you from?"  Harvard graduate: "I come from a place 
where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."  Texan: "OK, where are 
you from, Jackass?" 
   An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: 
"Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined 
the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You 
could send another Woof for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that 
would make no sense at all." 

   This is my own favorite joke: 
   Four men were taking a trip in a small airplane when the engine began to 
cough and sputter....and died. Only then did they discover that there were 
only three parachutes on board. One of the men did some fast thinking and 
said: "Look, guys, I am a world-class brain surgeon. I have four life-or-
death operations to perform next week alone. My talents are pricelessly 
valuable to the human race. I really should have one of those parachutes."  
The others talked it over and thought this was a good idea, so he strapped 
on a parachute and jumped out. Another man then spoke up: "Listen, guys, I 
am a member of Mensa, Intertel, and Triple Nine. I have the highest IQ in 
the world. My brains are a pricelessly valuable resource to mankind. I 
really should have one of those parachutes." The others thought this seemed 
like a good idea so he strapped on a pack and jumped out. The third man then 
turned to the fourth and said: "Look, son, I am a priest. Why don't you take 
the last parachute and save yourself." The fourth looked up at him and 
grinned, saying: "Not to worry, Father. We have no problem. You see, the 
smartest man in the world just jumped out of the airplane wearing my 

                                AIR CONDITIONER 
                       A very short story by Larry Niven 
   As he left the blazing summer heat outside the Warlock's cave, the 
visiting sorceror sighed with pleasure. "Warlock, how can you keep the place 
so cool? The mana in this region has decreased to the point where magic is 
nearly impossible." 
   The Warlock smiled--and so did the unnoticeable young man who was sorting 
the Warlock's parchments in a corner of the cave. The Warlock said, "I used 
a very SMALL demon. He was generated by a simple, trivial spell. His 
intelligence is low--fortunately, for his task is a dull one. He sits at the 
entrance to this cave and prevents the fast-moving molecules of air from 
entering and the slow-moving molecules from leaving. The rest he lets pass. 
Thus the cave remains cool." 
   "That's marvelous, Warlock! I suppose the process can be reversed in 
   "Of course." 
   "Oh, I didn't think of it," the Warlock said hastily. "Have you met my 
clerk? It was his idea." The Warlock raised his voice. "Oh, Maxwell..." 

   A Texan, driving through the great flat desert near Beersheba, in Israel, 
spied a tiny house in the distance. He drove up, stopped and knocked on the 
   An old Jew came to the door. "Good morning." 
   "My throat is so dry it's on fire," said the Texan. "I wonder if you 
would be good enough to give me a glass of water." 
   "Certainly; come in, make yourself at home." 
   The Texan entered and drank the water and thanked his host, then said, 
"Do you own this little house?" 
   "What do you do way out here?" 
   "I raise chickens." 
   "How large is your property?" 
   "Well," said the Jew. "In front, it's a good sixty feet and in back, it 
must be a hundred, a hundred and ten feet at least." 
   The Texan smiled. "Back home, on my ranch, I get up and get in my car 
around 9 A.M. and I start to drive, and I drive and drive and drive and I 
don't reach the end of my property until six o'clock that night!" 
   "Tchk!" sighed the Jew. "I once owned a car like that." 

   The doctor examined the eightythree-year-old woman and said, "Some things 
not even modern medicine can cure. I can't make you any younger, you know." 
   "Who asked you to make me younger?" retorted the lady. "I want you to 
make me older." 

   A Seattle business executive needs to go to Portland, so he drives from 
downtown Seattle to the airport. He gets into a helicopter, and the pilot 
flies up into the clouds. Then a terrible thunderstorm begins. Lightning 
hits the helicopter, knocking out the radio and all the navigational 
devices. The pilot doesn't know where he is or which way to go, but he goes 
down out of the clouds and sees a tall building. He holds up a sign saying: 
"Where am I?" The people inside hold up a sign answering: "In a helicopter." 
Then the pilot flies directly back to the airport. 
   After landing, while walking down the runway, the executive says: "That 
was amazing. How did you find your way back here?" "I knew that must be the 
Microsoft building," the pilot responds, "because the answer was technically 
correct--but for all practical matters, useless." 

       "A Book of Verses underneath the Bough, 
        A Jug of Wine, a Loaf of Bread--and Thou 
        Beside me singing in the Wilderness--
        Oh, Wilderness were Paradise enow!" 
   Oh, yeah? 
   You know a lady when you see her; and you know how I stand in society. Do 
you think for a moment that I'd skip out to the woods with a man along with 
a bottle of wine and a loaf of bread, and go singing and cavorting up and 
down under the trees with him? I take a little claret with my meals, but I'm 
not in the habit of packing a jug of it into the brush and raising Cain in 
any such style as that. And of course he'd bring his book of bawdy poems 
along too. He even said so! Let him go on his scandalous picnics alone! Or 
let him take his Ruby Ott with him, I reckon she wouldn't kick unless it was 
on account of there being too much bread along, and not enough wine. 

                             Trees - Joyce Kilmer 
   I think that I shall never see a poem lovely as a tree. 
   A tree whose hungry mouth is prest 
      against the earth's sweet flowing breast 
   A tree that looks at God all day and lifts her leafy arms to pray; 
   A tree that may in summer wear a nest of robins in her hair; 
   Upon whose bosom snow has lain; Who intimately lives with rain. 
   Poems are made by fools like me, but only God can make a tree. 

                            A Tree - Jason Killjoy 
   I think that I shall never see a thing so maudlin as a tree 
   A tree who may in springtime wear buds, like dandruff, in her hair. 
   A tree who may protect the lark and termites underneath her bark. 
   A tree who may bear sour fruits or harbour fungus in her roots. 
   Or bear tatooed on barken trunk hearts, and sentimental bunk. 
   A tree whose yellow, rotting leaves cover up the ground in sheaves. 
   Nestled in secret, ferned dell she sends her groping roots towards hell. 
   Poems are made by gods, like me. Only a fool would make a tree. 

                                Me - Anonymous 
   I think that I shall never see a calculator made like me, 
   A me that likes martinies dry and on the rocks, a little rye. 
   A me that looks at girls and such, but mostly girls, and very much. 
   A me that wears an overcoat and likes a risky anecdote. 
   A me that taps a foot and grins whenever Dixieland begins. 
   They make computers for a fee, but only moms can make a me. 

   A Michigan appelate court once upheld a decision rejecting a suit for 
damage to a tree with this poem as the entire opinion: 
   We thought that we would never see a suit to compensate a tree. 
   A suit whose claim in tort is prest upon a mangled tree's behest; 
   A tree whose battered trunk was prest against a Chevy's crumpled crest, 
   A tree that faces each new day with bark and limb in disarray; 
   A tree that may forever bear a lasting need for tender care. 
   Flora lovers though we be we must uphold the court's decree. 

                             Don Zobell  (of Intertel) 

         What Hamlet said he enjoyed the least 
            Was funeral meats at the wedding feast. 
         He had loved his father and adored his mother 
            (But he couldn't care less for his father's brother). 
         So his inky cloak became him most 
            When he ran to chat with Denmark's ghost. 
         Had a serpent struck the old king down? 
            That serpent now wore Denmark's crown. 
         Must more blood flow to punish guilt? 
            Should Claudius' gore--or his own be spilt? 
         A rat in the arras? A bride in the sea? 
            Is our hero to be--or not to be? 
         Should he venture to England, or peut-etre to France? 
            Must the coin fall tails for poor Rosencrantz? 
         The plot, as you see, is destined to end 
            With the downfall of all, both foe and friend, 
         While Fortinbras stands among the slain 
             Singing "There's nothing like a Dane." 

                                 Lewis Carroll 

                      'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves 
                       Did gyre and gimble in the wabe: 
                         All mimsy were the borogoves, 
                         And the mome raths outgrabe. 

                        "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! 
                   The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! 
                       Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun 
                          The frumious Bandersnatch!" 

                       He took his vorpal sword in hand: 
                     Long time the manxome foe he sought - 
                       So rested he by the Tumtum tree, 
                         And stood awhile in thought. 

                      And, as in uffish thought he stood, 
                      The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame, 
                    Came whiffling through the tulgey wood. 
                            And burbled as it came! 

                  One, two! One, two! And through and through 
                     The vorpal blade went snicker-snack! 
                      He left it dead, and with its head 
                           He went galumphing back. 

                     "And hast thou slain the Jabberwock? 
                       Come to my arms, my beamish boy! 
                       O frabjous day! Calloh! Callay!" 
                            He chortled in his joy. 

                      'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves 
                       Did gyre and gimble in the wabe: 
                         All mimsy were the borogoves, 
                         And the mome raths outgrabe. 

                                 Le Jaseroque 
                              Frank Warrin (1931) 

                      Il brilgue: les tôves lubricilleux 
                     Se gyrent en vrillant dans le guave. 
                        Enmîmés sont les gougebosqueux 
                           Et le mômerade horsgrave. 

                      «Garde-toi du Jaseroque, mon fils! 
                   La gueule qui mord; la griffe qui prend! 
                       Garde-toi de l'oiseau Jube, évite 
                          Le frumieux Band-à-prend!»

                          Son glaive vorpal en main, il va- 
                      T-à la recherche du fauve manscant; 
                         Puis arrivé à l'arbre Té-té, 
                          Il y reste, réfléchissant. 

                       Pendant qu'il pense, tout uffusé, 
                       Le Jaseroque, à l'oeil flambant, 
                     Vient siblant par le bois tullegeais, 
                             Et burbule en venant. 

                       Un deux, un deux, par le milieu, 
                       Le glaive vorpal fait pat-à-pan! 
                        La bête défaite, avec sa tête, 
                            Il rentre gallomphant. 

                           «As-tu tué le Jaseroque? 
                      Viens à mon coeur, fils rayonnais! 
                     O jour frabbejais! Calleau! Callai!» 
                           Il cortule dans sa joie. 

                      Il brilgue: les tôves lubricilleux 
                     Se gyrent en vrillant dans le guave. 
                        Enmîmés sont les gougebosqueux 
                           Et le mômerade horsgrave. 

                              Robert Scott (1872) 

                     Es brillig war. Die schlichten Toven 
                        Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; 
                          Und aller-mümsige Burggoven 
                          Die mohmen Räth' ausgraben. 

                         »Bewahre doch vor Jammerwoch! 
                     Die Zähne knirschen, Krallen kratzen! 
                         Bewahr' vor Jubjub-Vogel, vor 
                         Frumiösen Banderschnätzchen!« 

                     Er griff sein vorpals Schwertchen zu, 
                      Er suchte lang das manchsam' Ding; 
                       Dann, stehend unterm Tumtum Baum, 
                             Er an-zu-denken-fing. 

                       Als stand er tief in Andacht auf, 
                        Des Jammerwochen's Augen-feuer 
                       Durch turgen Wald mit Wiffek kam 
                            Ein burbelnd Ungeheuer! 

                  Eins, Zwei! Eins, Zwei! Und durch und durch 
                   Sein vorpals Schwert zerschnifer-schnück, 
                      Da blieb es todt! Er, Kopf in Hand, 
                             Geläumfig zog zurück. 

                      »Und schlugst Du ja den Jammerwoch? 
                      Umarme mich, mein Böhm'sches Kind! 
                       O Freuden-Tag! O Halloo-Schlag!« 
                          Er schortelt froh-gesinnt. 

                     Es brillig war. Die schlichten Toven 
                        Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; 
                          Und aller-mümsige Burggoven 
                          Die mohmen Räth' ausgraben. 

    The Anticipation of Impending Achievement 
   A little while ago I encountered something that got me to thinking about 
The Anticipation of Impending Achievement. It's what you feel when you are 
just at the final step of your struggle to accomplish a long-sought goal. 
   Imagine the feeling of anticipation, the feeling of impending 
achievement, that Neil Armstrong must have felt when he opened the hatch and 
saw just a few feet below him the untrodden surface of the moon. What must 
Yuri Gagarin have felt when the bone-shaking thunder of the rockets ceased 
and he coasted free in orbit around the Earth? What must Balboa have felt 
after his arduous struggle through the jungle, when he stepped out onto the 
beach and cast his eyes over the wide Pacific? What must Columbus have felt 
when he saw the first traces of land after his long and grueling voyage? To 
this last question we do have an answer. 
   Here is what Columbus wrote on Thursday, October 11, 1492, after 36 days 
at sea: "...saw sandpipers, and a green reed near the ship. Those of the 
caravel Pinta saw a cane and a pole, and they took up another small pole 
which appeared to have been worked by iron; also another bit of cane, a 
land-plant, and a small board. The crew of the caravel Niña also saw signs 
of land, and a small branch covered with berries. Everyone breathed afresh 
and rejoiced at these signs.... About 10 o'clock at night, while standing on 
the sterncastle, I thought I saw a light to the west. It looked like a 
little wax candle bobbing up and down. It had the same appearance as a light 
or a torch belonging to fishermen or travellers who alternately raised and 
lowered it, or perhaps were going from house to house. I am the first to 
admit that I was so eager to find land that I did not trust my own senses." 

                           The New Colossus - Emma Lazarus 
   Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame, 
   With conquering limbs astride from land to land, 
   Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand 
   A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame 
   Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name 
   Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand 
   Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command 
   The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame. 
   "Keep,ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she 
   With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor, 
   Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, 
   The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. 
   Send these, the homeless, tempest tossed to me, 
   I lift my lamp beside the golden door!" 

   The authority of thousands of opinions is not worth as much as one tiny 
spark of reason in an individual man.  ...  Galileo 

   Anyone whose disposition leads him to attach more weight to unexplained 
difficulties than to the explanation of a certain number of facts will 
certainly reject the theory. ... Darwin 

    I try to live my life so that I could always look my fellowman straight 
in the eye and tell him to go to hell. ... G.B. Shaw

   True greatness consists in using a powerful understanding to enlighten 
oneself and others. ... Voltaire

   Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice; moderation in the pursuit 
of justice is no virtue. ...  Barry Goldwater 

   Eating food is fatal. 
   Think about it.  Everyone who has eaten food is dead or will die.  Right? 

   Know where the cheapest place to go to college is?  Bible college. I 
mean, you only have to buy one book....

   How come the alphabet is in that order? Is it because of that song? 

   I would rather be the man who bought the brooklyn bridge than the man who 
sold it. ... Will Rogers 

   Never eat more than you can lift. ... Miss Piggy 

   In Oak Ridge, Tennessee, there is a Museum of Atomic Energy. In its 
bookshop you can find these two books: 

   You should always listen twice as much as you talk--that's why you have 
two ears and one mouth. 

   The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its 

   "I must do something" will always solve more problems than "something 
must be done."

   The average woman would rather have beauty than brains--because the 
average man can see better than he can think. 

   An adult woman's brain is on the average only 90% as heavy as an adult 
man's brain. The woman's body is less than 90% the weight of the man's body, 
on the average, so her brain/body ratio is a bit higher than a man's. Make 
of that what you will. 

   I'm not a chauvinist, I just want my rib back. 

   If I were to assemble an army, I don't think I'd want homosexuals in it. 
Too much conflict of interest! How can you expect men who love men to kill 
men? I'd fill my army with bitter, divorced women. 

   If we paid too much attention to those conservationist people, we'd still 
be conserving flint for our grandchildren to make axes. 

   Although the past does not repeat itself, it does rhyme. 
   Every time history repeats itself, the price goes up. 

   Gandhi's fasting prayer: Oh God, keep me firm during the fast lest I 
should hastily break it in the temptation to live. 
   Gandhi's walking chant: If they answer not your call, walk alone, walk 

   I had the idea that if I could find out what Nambu is thinking about now, 
I'd be 10 years ahead in the game. So I talked to him for a long time. But 
by the time I figured out what he had said, 10 years had passed. 

   We need not examine probability or question God's motives when a slice of 
bread falls buttered-side down. A better conclusion is that we buttered the 
wrong side of the bread. 

   He had to stand alone before you realized how really small he was. 

   I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend the death penalty if 
you say it. 

   Yesterday they said today was tomorrow. But today they know better. Well, 
they should know better, but they don't: Today they are still saying the 
same thing they said yesterday. 

   The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the 
same place isn't there the second time. 

   One man's magic is another man's engineering. 

   Financial freedom is when you never do anything that you don't want to 
for money and you never omit doing something that you want to do because of 
lack of money. 

   "You'll make more money selling the advice than following the advice." 
... The founder of Forbes Magazine. 

   A full purse is not half as good as an empty one is bad. 

   There always seems to be too much month at the end of my money. 

   Perhaps the shortest book ever written--a story containing religion, sex, 
money, family relationships, mystery and humor--all in only 13 words: 
   "Oh, God, I'm pregnant" said the banker's daughter. "I wonder who it 

   How to speak 21 languages in one sentence: 
   "What! you claim some Nazi skunk in a Santa Claus suit with a pistol 
broke into my bungalow and put tomato ketchup in the whiskey, stole the 
rest of my alcohol, fed my tofu to a camel, then escaped in a rickshaw and 
took a taxi to a rendezvous with a Bolshevik mafia boss at his villa on the 
Florida coast--what bosh!" 

   What! - English, very old. The first word of "Beowulf," written about AD700
   Nazi - German 
   skunk - Algonquin 
   Santa Claus - Dutch 
   pistol - Czech 
   bungalow - Hindi 
   tomato - Aztec 
   ketchup - Malay 
   whiskey - Gaelic 
   alcohol - Arabic 
   tofu - Mandarin Chinese 
   camel - Hebrew 
   rickshaw - Japanese 
   taxi - Greek 
   rendezvous - French 
   Bolshevik - Russian 
   mafia - Italian 
   boss - Afrikaans 
   villa - Latin 
   Florida - Spanish 
   bosh - Turkish 

   In the Hindu Land of Endless Paths they are condemned to remember their 
follies forever, and never gain Nirvana. 

   Priest: "God has been good to your field." 
   Farmer: "Maybe so, but you shoulda seen the place when He had it to 

   Sure he is successful--but he is a man who has worked hard for all the 
wrong things. 

   In the Jerusalem of 1948, one place in the city stood apart from the 
rancor and chaos--a little island all its own in which a handful of Jews and 
Arabs lived together in peace and harmony. It was the government insane 
asylum. After observing its inmates' indifference to the strife sundering 
their peoples, Jacques de Reynier, the delegate of the International Red 
Cross, made a melancholy entry in his diary: "Vive les fous!" 

   All children are gifted... some just open their package sooner than 

   There was a guy I knew in New York, he used to play Russian roulette. 
About once a year he'd spin the cylinder then he'd put the barrel in his 
mouth and pull the trigger. Right around Christmastime. Said it kept him 
straight for a whole 'nother year. 

   If a country has to have tax-supported monuments, footprints on the moon 
outdo all the palaces ever built. 

   The only difference between a news program and the movies is that the 
movies don't lie about what they are. 

   There's no such thing as "too late," that's why they invented death. 

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